Spreadsheets, Tips and Milk
Actuarial Insights into Marriage
February 2025Photo: Getty Images/RichVintage
My first article for The Actuary, “Love, Laughter and Long Division,” took a light-hearted look at how non-actuarial spouses view their actuarial spouses. Now it’s time for the actuaries to strike back and tell their stories about what their partners do that drives them crazy.
What follows are some anecdotes detailing friction points that occur in marriages between actuaries and non-actuaries—some actuarial humor, if you will. Differences occur due to the contrasting mindsets of actuaries and their partners. These stories are all true, but the identities have been changed to preserve the sanctity of the actuaries marriages.
Communication Styles
In my experience, communication between actuaries and non-actuaries might often be difficult. This potential minefield is especially cumbersome to navigate when the two parties are married. Actuaries are trained to explain things concisely, so their communications are known for brevity and can come off terse. This is not always their spouse’s preferred communication method. Consider the non-actuarial spouse’s response to a query over breakfast about whether they remembered to buy milk while they were at the store:
“I went to the gas station yesterday to get gas. Did you know that it was the first time I got a fill-up since we came back from vacation? My goodness, did the gas prices jump? Oh, while I was there, I ran into Suzie’s mother. They just got back from a family trip to an all-inclusive resort in Belize. It sounded really wonderful. There were so many activities and the country was beautiful. We should go there with our kids. Did you know that they sell lottery tickets at the gas station now? You’re an actuary, why don’t you use your actuary powers to figure out a way for us to win the Powerball jackpot? Then we could afford to go to Belize with all the kids.”
By this time, the actuary’s coffee is getting cold, and their temper is getting hot. There they are, thinking to themselves that it might have just been easier if they went out and got the milk for their coffee themselves. Valiantly, they decide to break into their spouse’s story and ask again about the milk. To this, the spouse replies:
“While I was talking to Suzie’s mom, I got coffee and a bagel. Since the store is no longer allowed to give out plastic bags I couldn’t carry a gallon of milk, too, so I didn’t get the milk.”
If their roles had been reversed, the actuary, being trained to deal in facts, would have likely responded “yes” or “no” to the milk question. Perhaps if they were feeling particularly loquacious, they would respond, “Yes, I got it at the gas station.”
Another area where the actuary and their non-actuarial partner might have communication differences in marriage is how they fill out a greeting card. The actuary feels that you buy the card because you are relying on the card company’s writers to fill in the appropriate details. Effectively, the actuary is outsourcing their emotional output to experts in the field. Consequently, they may feel that all that is necessary is a signature. Perhaps for a favorite child or their spouse, the word “love” might be carefully inserted before the signature.
Their spouse, meanwhile, views filling out a card as an opportunity to channel their inner Walt Whitman, with a bit of excess à la James Joyce. Since this sort of inspiration is best prompted under pressure, the spouse almost always waits until they are leaving for the event to write the card.
Meanwhile, the actuary has already gone out and started the car. After a significant wait, they realize that they will need gas at some point soon. In a moment of inspired insight, they realize that at least that will give them a chance to finally get the darn milk.
Finances
While most actuaries are meticulous with their finances, their partners might not be fully engaged with the program. This can cause frustration for the actuary when balancing the checkbook or reconciling credit card bills. This can be due to missing journal entries, lost receipts or receipts received months after the billing cycle has ended and all hope had been given up for a clean closing.
Here’s an example of how this might play out:
While traveling to see the solar eclipse, the couple stopped at a small restaurant just before closing. The restaurant was usually closed at that time but had remained open because of the eclipse. While they were dining, a woman came in with a toddler, and all the staff went over to ooh and aah over the baby. The couple’s waitress was the baby’s mother, so she took the baby with her while waiting on their table. The actuary’s spouse wanted to leave a nice tip for the new mother, especially since the restaurant had stayed open later. The spouse thought that 25% would be appreciated. The actuary went to the bathroom while the spouse paid the bill with a credit card. The spouse then pocketed the receipt, which was never to be seen again. The spouse accidentally left a $25 tip on a $40 bill. That was a 62.5% tip rather than the intended 25%. Two days later, the actuary was surprised to hear from the credit card company that was checking if the tip was correct or not. Had the receipt been passed promptly along to the actuary, an on-the-spot field audit could have been completed and the problem would have been averted.
Shopping
The shopping styles of actuaries and their partners often vary widely due to their different mindsets. This starts with how the shopping list is made and ends with what is actually brought home from the store.
Not to sound stereotypical, but the non-actuary in the household might make an unorganized shopping list based on when they think of an item to buy or the order that items appear in the supermarket’s circular or on its app. If the actuary is the one doing the grocery shopping, this list amounts to nothing more than a random walk through the supermarket. The actuary’s ideal shopping list would be based on an optimized path through the store with notes to indicate couponing opportunities and quantities to purchase.
Here are some pain points for the actuary when their spouse is the one going to the store:
• Spouse forgot to clip digital coupons for the sale item or bought the wrong brand or size.
• The “cheaper” option was purchased without looking at the price per unit. This means they came home with the 6-ounce bag of chips for $2 instead of the 10-ounce bag that was on sale for $3.
• Came home with a single item that was actually on a BOGO (buy one get one free) offer.
Authoring the shopping list for a holiday party with lots of guests and courses also differs. The actuary in the room might want to apply a variation of the “MiniMax” strategy to maximize variety on the buffet while minimizing leftovers. The spouse’s approach assumes every guest will have three servings or more of every single item on the table, from soup to nuts. This strategy might be categorized as a MaxiFido approach, which maximizes the number of leftovers ultimately fed to the family dog.
Travel Planning
Actuaries and their non-actuarial spouses often differ on how to get from point A to point B, and on the best way to plan a vacation. Some actuaries report that they plan a route in advance based on optimal safety that allows enough time for all possible contingencies. Their spouse, on the other hand, pulls up Google Maps, looks at the arrival time based on traffic and starts getting ready to go when the arrival time equals the time they are supposed to be there. There is no route optimization, or contingency buffer, and they trust the directions without prior review.
Another couple had almost the exact opposite response. In this case, the actuary said why pick a different route if Google Maps already optimizes it for me, while their spouse was the conservative one. Which profile sounds like you and your partner?
When it comes to vacation planning, it appears that actuaries are the ones doing the detailed planning. The actuary typically does a ton of research on possible destinations, focused on price, weather and potential activities. Once a destination is chosen, they create a spreadsheet with daily potential activities broken into short time intervals. As detailed in Love, Laughter and Long Division, the actuary has a spreadsheet for everything. Once on vacation, their spouse then says, “I want to go here,” with no prior planning regarding cost, travel time or the actual activity. This results in the couple spending hours wandering around the impromptu locale without really seeing anything.
Household Chores
Actuaries and their spouses often have different takes on how household tasks should best be done. The dishwasher, in particular, seems to be a fertile battleground; it was indeed a sore spot for many actuaries interviewed. Some of their complaints were as follows:
• Spouse habitually loaded the dishwasher haphazardly with knives pointing up
• Loaded everything in the compartments closest to the door and left the back empty
• Put cups in sideways (granted, this was a big improvement over the spouse’s former practice of putting them face up)
• Put plates randomly in all directions instead of in straight rows
Some of the actuaries did not feel they needed to win the dishwasher battle. They said that if their spouse wanted to wash half a load at a time, so be it.
Other actuaries complained about how their spouses put the dishes away. One spouse puts the dishes wherever they fit. This drives the actuary, who is the primary cook, crazy. They could never find anything, as the item’s location was a mystery every time. Needless to say, the actuary became the official unloader of the dishwasher for the sake of their own sanity.
Actuaries and their spouses also seem to have differences in how things should be done around the house and organized. Most actuaries are exacting and like order and symmetry. These qualities may not always be shared by their spouses. One actuary reports that their partner doesn’t ever do anything in a scripted way. For instance, they’ll eyeball where to put a couple of nails in the wall to hang a shelf rather than measure with a level.
When landscaping, some spouses prefer a more random arrangement. There’s no particular order, they just find a good spot, regardless of where it is. Consequently, the non-actuarial spouse’s plantings made lawn mowing more difficult for the actuary by getting in the way of the optimal mowing path.
One actuary said that their spouse was completely incapable of putting any household object in the same place twice. This included, but was not limited to, dishes, clothing, driver’s license, car keys and, of course, the remote. Another actuary had a unique solution to their spouse not putting things away in the same place twice. To mess with their partner, the actuary decided to put the dishes back in a different order every time, but still in the cabinet where they belonged. This experiment lasted for two years. It’s likely that putting the groceries away for these couples is another source of friction.
Spreadsheets
Excel knowledge or reliance on spreadsheets also can vary between actuaries and their partners. Actuaries often find it painful to watch their spouses use Excel. One complained that their spouse is so slow when using Excel that it is like watching paint dry. This actuary felt like they either had to take over or leave the room due to their spouse using the mouse too much or not using shortcut keys.
Another actuary had spent days creating a flashy spreadsheet to help the couple make a data-driven life decision. Their spouse then spent only a couple of seconds looking at the spreadsheet and topped it off by saying, “I don’t care how it works; just tell me if we can afford it.”
Finally, An Exam Story
During the exam-taking years, the actuary needs the full support of their spouse. This helps the actuary keep their eye on the prize and not get too stressed out.
One actuary had a rigid study schedule that included nights and weekends. Apparently, their spouse was not on the same schedule. The spouse’s schedule included adult playtime on Sunday afternoons. As a result, the spouse sashayed into the study room on Sunday afternoons, ready for playtime. Meanwhile, their spouse was elbow-deep in the Actuarial Mathematics textbook. This caused a serious scheduling conflict and ultimately put the actuary behind on their study schedule.
In Conclusion
From these stories, one can see that a marriage between an actuary and a non-actuary has the potential for many areas of differing perspectives. Understanding their spouse’s different position may also help the actuary in their professional life by helping them see outside the box.
While these differences may drive actuaries crazy at times, they also add richness and humor to their relationships, ultimately fostering a deeper bond. Hopefully, this article provides its readers an opportunity to see the humor in the situation the next time they run into an area where their approach differs dramatically from their partner’s due to the actuary/non-actuary divide.
Statements of fact and opinions expressed herein are those of the individual authors and are not necessarily those of the Society of Actuaries or the respective authors’ employers.
Copyright © 2025 by the Society of Actuaries, Chicago, Illinois.